Sydman’s Straight Talk: ROAD to the FINALS # 1

Sydman’s Straight Talk: ROAD to the FINALS # 1

The Sydman: Dude, hindi kinakain ang mediplast.

Jorge Cosgayon: Ano lang? Sinasaksak sa pwet?

The Sydman: Pwede kung may sugat ka doon. You’ll never know if nakakain ka ng tinik ng isda e.

Jorge Cosgayon: so bat kahit wala ka sugat sinasaksak mo sa pwet mo ay butt plug ba? security feature?

The Sydman: tapos sa halip na vertical ang labas, pa-horizontal.

One workday evening, I was chatting with one of my friends. This “person” could sound like a man who loves to finger goats. Aside from his usual hobbies, he’s an award-winning blogging monster! Try visiting his website www.farfromneutral.org and try getting political with his views. By the way, if you know the band called FMD (I think they had a song called Baboy), he’s their new lead guitarist. Anyway, I asked him a NBA-related questions. Read on.

The Sydman: Teka, dude, tulungan mo nga ako.

Jorge Cosgayon: Dude NO. No way. I am NOT touching you. Ever! Deal with it!

The Sydman: Not that moron. Do you know anything about the NBA Playoffs???

Jorge Cosgayon: GOLDEN STATE FTW!!! Boo Suns! Baket ano sa NBA?

The Sydman: Okay, I’m like going to interview you as a basketball expert(?). Ano?? Game?? HOOOOOOYYYY!!!!!

Jorge Cosgayon: Sige sige!

(Question #1) The Sydman: Okay. Start ko. Bulls or Pistons?

Jorge Cosgayon: Hmm… hmmm!!! Shet! Pistons in 6!

The Sydman: Tangna bakit?? The Bulls are cooler!

Jorge Cosgayon: I don’t like the matchups… and X-factor si Webber. Si Webber mahahalintulad ko kay Clyde Drexler. Ayoko man si Flip Saunders na manalo pero wala sa matchups e. Si Gordon lang lamang kay Rip… dahil sobra siyang streaky. Sobrang mapipilitan mag-rely sa 3 ang Bulls dahil wala sila midrange at inside.

The Sydman: Walang inside ang Bulls aside from penetrations. Hmmm… penetrations…

Jorge Cosgayon: Yun nga e.. yun ang laro nila e di uubra un sa Pistons kasi ang Bulls defense naka sentro sa protect the paint and the 3 pero pagdating sa midrange.. wala! E dun nabubuhay ang Pistons e. Sheed, Rip, Chauncey, Webber… dun lahat!

The Sydman: Crazy mofo! Anong tawag mo kay Luol Deng???

Jorge Cosgayon: Swerte. Wala syang ka matchup sa Heat e! Sino ba kayang bumantay sa kanya sa Heat? Posey? No way. Wade? Not with that shoulder! Pero tingnan mo kung uubra sya laban kay Tayshaun!

(Question # 2) The Sydman: Okay next question. Suns or Spurs?

Jorge Cosgayon: Spurs baby! No way, no how kakayanin ng Suns ang Spurs! Kita mo last game nila nung early April? Dinurog sila. 70+ points lang ang Suns! Dahil si Tim Duncan, takot lang sa Aleman (Dirk). Kita mo ang ginawa ng Spurs sa Denver?

The Sydman: Denver?!?!? Comparing Phoenix to Denver?!?!? Moron.

Jorge Cosgayon: Noong April, Denver was 10-1! Denver 3rd best offense! Denver top 5 fastbreak pts! Denver tumatakbo! Suns tumatakbo! Denver mediocre defense! Suns mediocre-poor defense!

The Sydman: Nash versus Parker, Nash wins. Bowen versus Bell… Stalemate. Diaw versus Manu… Manu. Amare versus Duncan, yeah Duncan. Pero sino panapat nila kay Marion… at Leandro Barbosa?!?!?

Jorge Cosgayon: I’m saying ang #1 weapon ng Suns — fast break, mawawala! Spurs are slow! Kaya nga they resort to halfcourt offense. Sus… eto lang yun. Neutralize Nash you neutralize Phoenix. Spurs #1 defensively vs fastbreak. Gagawin ng Spurs na halfcourt game un lagi as always. Pag halfcourt game, wala si Nash! At ang Spurs ang lakers nung 2000-2003! At Parker > Nash!

The Sydman: HELL NO.

Jorge Cosgayon: Ayoko man aminin pero papagurin ni Parker si Nash!

The Sydman: Parker became good because of Popovich. Without him he’s a dud!

Jorge Cosgayon: I hate Parker, tingin ko wala sya kwenta pero one thing for him… mabilis sya… plus Eva Longoria. Bump bump, grind grind, take her to the post!

The Sydman: O sige, you win.

Jorge Cosgayon: Anyway fine, lamang si Nash. Pero si Duncan, kaya nya neutralize ang inside. Meaning no alley oops, no easy layups. Send Parker to Barbosa, hayaan si Nash… wala mapapasahan si Nash gaya nung ginawa nila dati. Have Nash score 40… it doesn’t matter… pag wala mapapasahan.

(Question # 3) The Sydman: Okay, next question. Warriors vs. Mavs. What happened?

Jorge Cosgayon: Dahil natakot si Avery Johnson, naulul si Marc Cuban, at stroke of genius si Nellie! Kita mo game 1? Dirk as center? LOL! Eh mas mabilis pa nga si Dampier dun e! Dahil daw kasi ang Warriors were made up of the same size defenders na di kaya ni Dirk! Si Stephen Jackson, Monta Ellis, etc… kaya kahit san sya dumiskarte, may naka-abang na 6’7, 6’8 na guy na naghaharass sa dribble nya.

The Sydman: Pero GS used Al Harrington as center. Anyway, may mga kumakalat na balita na Dirk has problems being guarded by smaller men.

Jorge Cosgayon: Oo nga e. Dati pa yon pero “supposedly” na solve na nya yan last year… di pa pala. Bano pala yung move na Harrington as center. Actually, binench na sya ni Nellie lately e.

The Sydman: Tama bang decision? Instead of blocker give Dirk a player that make sundot sundot the balls?

Jorge Cosgayon: OO! 7-foot fadeaway? Kasi no way na maboblock mo si Dirk?!?! LOL! Si Dirk mahilig mag spin… at mahina sya going to his right… eh basang-basa ni Nellie yun. Attack him dribbling, bad shot lagi! So wala confidence si Dirk! E di naman leader si Jason Terry. Si Stack na nga lang ang pag asa nila e… LOL! Wait ihi lang ako.

(Question # 4… ) The Sydman: Choke away. By the way… is Nowitzki a choker?

Jorge Cosgayon: Tingin ko hindi, malas lang ang Dallas na alam sobra ang lahat ng galaw nila (Nellie). Pati playbooks… alam lahat!

The Sydman: But last year they did the exact same thing against Miami!

Jorge Cosgayon: Heh. Sa Games 3 at 5 lang sya nag choke doon. Sa free throws… and Dwyane Wade. Wade… Wade… Wade at ref at… foul. Pero more Wade.

The Sydman: Not to mention fade away shots instead of attacking the basket. I believe a 7-foot guy with free throw excellence should attack the rim. Well, hindi nga nangyari e!

Jorge Cosgayon: Eh di sya maka attack the basket e. Sino ba bantay sa kanya? James Posey? Di sya maka dribble… pag nag dribble sya laging natatapik. Di naman sya post up player. Nanalo sila sa San Antonio last year dahil for some reason si Manu Ginobili ang nagbantay sa kanya. At si Bruce Bowen? Ewan ko kung saan sya nun… nagbakasyon ata. Bottom line, si Dirk good player, di choker… but he’s not Kobe. He’s not Wade.

(Question # 5) The Sydman: Miami fan, hehe. Did it hurt na nawala sila agad?

Jorge Cosgayon: Not really. Nets fan talaga ako e. Marami lang ako nagugustuhan na ibang teams. Di ako loyal… haha.

The Sydman: Does the name Bostjan Nachbar harden your nipple?

Jorge Cosgayon: Ooooh yeaaaah he touches my tralala!!! Good trade yun ha. Sino nga center na ungas na yun? Nasa New Orleans? Mark something something?? Pero ang pinaka nagpa-harden… MIKKI MOORE!

The Sydman: The Julius Nwosu look alike!!

Jorge Cosgayon: Booyakasha!!!! The resurgence of the 7-foot Rasta! Basta! Pero replaceable sya e… pag bumalik si Nenad Krstic. I think we should trade Vince for T-Mac! Wish… or get Kirilenko! For sure di na tatagal sa Utah yun. Nenad for Andrei! Insta defense!

The Sydman: Kirilenko????? He sucks!!

Jorge Cosgayon: He sucks now kasi ginawa syang SF. Eh dapat PF sya e.

The Sydman: Actually for some reason nga e. Bano regular season niya at first two games niya against the Rockets he scored just 2 points!

Jorge Cosgayon: Kasi di sya marunong mag-SF. Di sya makakaikot! Kasi noong PF sya, binabantayan nya nasa block diba? Di nya finofront. Binabantayan nya ang pasang papasok sa PF at mga cutters! Dun galing mga steals at blocks nya! Eh ngayon dahil SF sya… andun sya sa wing. Di sya maka-roam sa paint!

The Sydman: With Boozer and Okur, both above 6’10 and playing great b-ball he drowned! Is that what you’re saying?

Jorge Cosgayon: Yes. Exactly. Di nya kaya may kahati!

The Sydman: So you mean to say AK-47 is useless now for the Jazz?

Jorge Cosgayon: Yep. Boozer, Okur, at Deron Williams na ang Jazz. Di sya gaya ni Artest na mabilis at malakas e. Di n’ya kaya i-stop ang wing players. Magaling lang sya mag-anticipate pero di sya marunong kumuha ng position galing sa labas!

(Question # 6) The Sydman: Cleveland Cavs? Your thoughts?

Jorge Cosgayon: Linamon ng sistema. Worst season ni LeBron. Di na marunong pumasa. Versus Nets delikado sila. Magaling mag pressure sa PG ang Nets e. Muntik pa cla matalo sa isang game vs the Wizards… without Arenas and Butler. Parang feeling ata nila sila ang Lakers dati. Facing a Wiz team na wala na dalawang All-Stars! Bano. Ewan. Baka tinamad o pinapahinga players nila.

The Sydman: So the Kobe thing LeBron James is doing will not work with the Nets? E sa Raptors?

Jorge Cosgayon: Sa Raptors pwede. Kaya nila i-intimidate ang Raptors e. Walang playoff experience ang major pieces ng Raps. Pwede sila matakot kay LeBron… not so with the Nets.

The Sydman: Because of their EXP?

Jorge Cosgayon: Because of JKIDD (Jason Kidd).

The Sydman: E si BNACH (Nachbar)?

Jorge Cosgayon: Haha. Sasabihin ko nga din e. He so purty. Napansin mo si nachbar at krstic pareho pogi!!!! LOL!!!

After me, vomiting inside my mouth…

(Question # 7) The Sydman: Okay last one, if you’re the basketball god and since halos puno na yung conference semis, how will you make the events unfold? The Road to the Finals?

Jorge Cosgayon: Wah. Hmm… para masaya… Golden state vs Phoenix sa West Finals tapos New Jersey vs Chicago sa East! Tapos Phoenix vs New Jersey sa Finals!!! Takbuhaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!! Either of those two OK ako!

The Sydman: Pwe! Bakit pa kita tinanong! That’s crappy?!?!?

Jorge Cosgayon: Imagine a Nets vs Suns Finals pare… 200 ppg COMBINED!!!

The Sydman: new jersey sa finals?!?!?!? You’re smoking weeeedddd!!!!

Jorge Cosgayon: Sabi mo ako bahala!! Pag nakalusot sila sa Cavs at Chicago kalaban nila, kakayanin nila yun!

The Sydman: Pero what if Detroit???

Jorge Cosgayon: E di dudurugin sila ng Detroit! LOL!

The Sydman: …

Jorge Cosgayon: Pag perimeter-based ang kalaban ng Nets may chance sila!

(Question # 8) The Sydman: FINAL THOUGHTS!!!!

Jorge Cosgayon: Haha. Spurs vs Detroit, Spurs win. Pero that’d be a crappy way to end this…

The Sydman: then end it good!

Jorge Cosgayon: Eh yun na nga, the most interesting subplot wala na sa playoffs!

The Sydman: Atlanta?

Jorge Cosgayon: NO! Odom + Bynum for Kevin Garnett or Odom + Farmar for Jermaine O’Neal!!!

(Question # 9) The Sydman: Okay. Overtime. Biggest thing next season? Aside from those trades or if sila nga sasabihin mo, elaborate!

Jorge Cosgayon: The Nuggets’ first full season with Iverson… tingnan natin hanggang saan sila pwede. The Lakers? I expect them to grab either KG, Jermaine or Kidd. Shawn Marion being a pussy and wanting out of Phoenix and do a Joe Johnson. It’s either him or Amare… pauna una na lang sila. Also, Ron Artest retires… Steve Nash’s season ending injury by December.

The Sydman: On Steve Nash’s injury: F*************KKK Y*********UUU!!!!!!!!!!

And this ends this edition! Next week: saner subjects.